Persistance

   Constantly I find myself in doubt. It'll never work, I won't be good enough,or I don't have the skills. Then there are distractions to boot: work, kids, entertainment, house chores and so much more. Honesty I can keep going for a while saying why I can't do something, but can I really say why I persist?

    This is the 2nd longest I have ever worked on a project and not given up. I put far more work I to this than I do with yum YouTube channel and yet, still I persist, What is so different in this project vs the others I have failed? I think it is belief, for the first time in my life, I'm doing something that I believe will work and work well. I believe in this project. I am stretching, and challenging myself artistically and creatively than I have ever done before, because I believe in it. 

   I also feel a higher calling. That could just be me trying to sound all churchy, but it is the truth, in this case. I need to support my family, I need to help other sand I need to be a part of something bigger than myself. By completing this task I can be. Perhaps there is something else I can do that'll also achieve the same outcome, but I am truly enjoying the trip. 

Do you have doubts in your current or future projects? If so, what do you do to overcome them? Or can you not overcome the doubts at all?

My First Loss

The way you spoke,
The way you  look,
The way you taught me,
When you cooked.
The jokes you told,
The words you said,
The tales you sold,
The history that you behold.
Never shall a word you said,
Fall on deaf ears, or be dead.
When you left it took a toll.
Oh, how I miss you so.

My grandfather has been dead for nearly 12 years now, and although I have peace with him being gone, I still miss him. Just because you're a Christian it doesn't mean you can't have a spot in your heart for someone you loved so dear. My grandfather was more of my father to me. I spent nearly every waking hour of my childhood with him.

I remember the funeral like it was yesterday. I was fine. I teared a bit, but I really was able to hold it in. My mom was my rock. I leaned on her so I could stand. Really I should have been leaning on GOD, but I didn't because I was unsure of what to believe in at that point in my life and I was already depressed to boot. I remember seeing all of my family break down. Some where angry, others were sad. Some even seemed happy; my grandfather wasn't too kind of a man to many people.

It was when my mom broke down that I couldn't hold it together anymore. It was a few hours after the wake. I was so angry. At myself, for not spending the time with him that I should have. Angry at my family for not wanting anything to do with him. with my mom for crying, with GOD for letting him die and it hurting so much. I There was so much pain and grief and I had no idea how to handle it. It wasn't until years later that I was finally able to manage the pain and overcome it and bury it in my past. It wasn't until I found Jesus with a love I never expected that I was able to finally have peace. I think back to Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of GOD which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (ESV).

Reality of Fear

The closer I get to my self imposed deadline, the more I feel myself get week in the legs and I can feel my dragonflies in my stomach punching around. I have always had goals, dreams and ambitions, but I have always feared myself out of completing them.

I don't know about you, but I like to set a goal, take aim and never take the shot. If I don't shoot, I don't have to make an excuse about how and why I missed my mark, but is it worth not doing? This time, I'm not going to make the mistake and not take action and not fire.

Once lost

I fell a lot when I was younger, but the worst fall I ever had was falling from GOD. It wasn't even a fall it was more like a tumble into snow that kept building until I almost hit the bottom which was covered with jagged rocks. I'm so thankful I'm no longer in that place and that I'm no longer that person.

I played a game and I got bit

And most of me was lost

I found myself deep inside a pit

And there was an oh so high cost

Deep within the hole I dwell

Waiting for someone to find me

How long I waited in that hell

Please constantly I plea

But from that darkened land I did see

A light shining in the distance

And GOD when I was closer to He 

The lower my resistance

Higher now my head is raised

Because by his design

Jesus was slain and then was raised

And now he says, "He's mine!"

It took so much for me to admit I was wrong on almost all (if not all) levels. I hated being in that dark place.

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Alone

I know this next post is a little dark, but I felt like I needed to write it. I want to be as honest as possible in this blog and that includes all emotions I have had, past present and future. I've grown up like this and I hope I was able to convey how I felt when I was younger not too long ago and I always felt that the "Christians" would give me a kind word. Now that I am a Christian I try hard to not come complacent and allow people to dwell in corners alone.

Hidden in a corner bare

There sit a child young and scared

Says to the world, "I don't care!"

But don't believe the things he aired

Cause when you look into his eyes

You can see through the simple disguise

And know in his heart of hearts it's a lie

But still he says it to deny

The fact that he still wants to cry

And hopes and prays that someone pry

So silently still he will stay

And hope that things will end okay

Only GOD can be the key

To help him to become free

But who is there to teach him how

When satan is constantly on the prowl

A kind word he's waiting for

Instead you just shut the door

So he sits and contemplates 

He takes it in, absorbs the hates

-VMH

Can you relate? How did you overcome it, or are you still there?

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The World and GOD

I've suffered a lot, not more than many, but a lot when compared to those I know personally. There is a tomorrow and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train! You may not believe it always, but it is true. 

The world is hate, the world is pain,

The world is filled with the taste of disdain,

But GOD is good all the time,

And that is why I write this rhyme.

Cause though the world can break you down,

Break your heart and slap you round.

There is a peace that can be had,

And even when the world is bad,

Christ is coming back you see,

And when he hung on that tree,

He took the sins from you and me.

Yesterday, today and forever,

To take our sins was his endeavor,

And when you choose to believe in him,

That is when your life does begin.

-V.M. Hernandez

Can you write a Haiku that conveys similar feelings?