My First Loss

The way you spoke,
The way you  look,
The way you taught me,
When you cooked.
The jokes you told,
The words you said,
The tales you sold,
The history that you behold.
Never shall a word you said,
Fall on deaf ears, or be dead.
When you left it took a toll.
Oh, how I miss you so.

My grandfather has been dead for nearly 12 years now, and although I have peace with him being gone, I still miss him. Just because you're a Christian it doesn't mean you can't have a spot in your heart for someone you loved so dear. My grandfather was more of my father to me. I spent nearly every waking hour of my childhood with him.

I remember the funeral like it was yesterday. I was fine. I teared a bit, but I really was able to hold it in. My mom was my rock. I leaned on her so I could stand. Really I should have been leaning on GOD, but I didn't because I was unsure of what to believe in at that point in my life and I was already depressed to boot. I remember seeing all of my family break down. Some where angry, others were sad. Some even seemed happy; my grandfather wasn't too kind of a man to many people.

It was when my mom broke down that I couldn't hold it together anymore. It was a few hours after the wake. I was so angry. At myself, for not spending the time with him that I should have. Angry at my family for not wanting anything to do with him. with my mom for crying, with GOD for letting him die and it hurting so much. I There was so much pain and grief and I had no idea how to handle it. It wasn't until years later that I was finally able to manage the pain and overcome it and bury it in my past. It wasn't until I found Jesus with a love I never expected that I was able to finally have peace. I think back to Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of GOD which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (ESV).