My first sense of shame

I woke up that day the way I had the day before
Ready to face the day and race out of the door.
I went to all my classes and met all of my friends
I enjoyed the day; the beginning and the end,
But maybe not the end because of a new student.
He was taller than I and very far from prudent.
He looked at me and quickly, saw my jeans were just too short
Faded was the blue and holey too and I had no retort
He spoke some words and then he laughed,
My "friends" joined in and I was sad.
They all smiled, so I did too.
I didn't want them to see the hurt they did do.
Later that day, when I got home.
I went to my room to be alone.
I feigned being sick so they couldn't see;
The pain and sorrow my "friends" caused me.
Although I was "sick" I begged for my mom,
To take me out shopping, put new clothes on.
So out we two went, to acquire a new wardrobe.
Look different, better, it's what I did hope.
I wouldn't take anything, less than the best.
I wanted to look and dress better than the rest.
With tears in my eyes because of how I looked,
My honor, my pride, a few words took.

I had been ashamed many times before this, but It had never been because of how I looked. Mom would always tell me that I needed to bathe more, or match, or brush my hair, but I didn't care. I knew a lot of boys that didn't and at 12 It wasn't high on my priority list, but when I moved to Oak Cliff it was different. A year later a new person moved to the school and immediately pointed out all of my fabrical flaws. If I had been wise I could have said something like, "Don't judge a book by its cover." or perhaps say something like, "What about what Martin Luther King, Jr. said, 'I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.'" or I even could have asked him, "What ws wring with you?" and "Who had wronged you to make you so bitter?", but I didn't. Words failed me, and all I could think of is how stupid I looked and all of my so-called "friends" were laughing at me. My mom spent a couple hundred dollars, that I knew we didn't have, on me and I continued to be this way until I was much older. Every clothing choice I made from that point on were made based on that memory.

This came to mind because I was reading the book, "Stuff Christians Like" by Johnathan Acuff and it an essay about his daughter not wanting to look silly and he wondered when she was told how she would look. Then went on the quote in Genesis 3:11 just after Adam and Eve had failed GOD in the garden of Eden and ate the fruit from the tree of Knowledge. "Who told you, you were naked?" Johnathan then went on to say, "Who told you, you were naked? Who Told you that you weren't enough? and continued. I'll link it here http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/01/02/thinking-youre-naked-2/ so you can check it out. 

I began to tear up and this instance came to mind. it was a turning point in my life. For the worse or best I cannot say, but maybe it made me more shallow, perhaps. I than began to think about other firsts in my life and have decided to share those with you over time.

Have you ever been hurt from someone's first revealing that you weren't enough, good enough, fast enough, smart enough or strong enough? When did it happen for you? How did it make you feel?

Once lost

I fell a lot when I was younger, but the worst fall I ever had was falling from GOD. It wasn't even a fall it was more like a tumble into snow that kept building until I almost hit the bottom which was covered with jagged rocks. I'm so thankful I'm no longer in that place and that I'm no longer that person.

I played a game and I got bit

And most of me was lost

I found myself deep inside a pit

And there was an oh so high cost

Deep within the hole I dwell

Waiting for someone to find me

How long I waited in that hell

Please constantly I plea

But from that darkened land I did see

A light shining in the distance

And GOD when I was closer to He 

The lower my resistance

Higher now my head is raised

Because by his design

Jesus was slain and then was raised

And now he says, "He's mine!"

It took so much for me to admit I was wrong on almost all (if not all) levels. I hated being in that dark place.

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Irrational

I've done many things without thinking them through. I moved out of my home because my mom and I got into a big fight, I quit a job and didn't have any plans afterwards and even quit college because of my parents. Everything I did was life changing for me and caused issues for me as well. I did a lot of stupid things and most were from being #irrational. I'm so glad I'm older and can keep myself from being childish, but I still remember how it made me feel.

I'm angry and your not listening

My eyes are red and glistening

From the tears of anger swelling

No word you say is compelling

I've already started contemplating

How to get rid of your complaining

I feel myself again refraining

My feeling inside I'm detaining

And need to get out and inhale

But you see I am in hell

No longer can I still dwell

Because I've broken from you spell

And now the truth I must go tell

And now my pride it does swell

So I must leave before I yell

I'm angry and frustrated if you can't tell

I'm leaving and nothing you can say

Will change my mind to want to stay

It isn't a matter if I can pay

To get out this is the only way

I'll see you in another day

To get my stuff if that's okay

And if it isn't it matters not

Because it's happening either way

And now I'll be on my way

And case I change my mind today

I'm irrational and may regret

And one day you just might forget

And hope that you'll forgive.

For see I fight for fighting sake

And hear your heart I hope not to break

My mind is muttled and can't think

Have you ever done something irrational? How did it effect you?

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Alone

I know this next post is a little dark, but I felt like I needed to write it. I want to be as honest as possible in this blog and that includes all emotions I have had, past present and future. I've grown up like this and I hope I was able to convey how I felt when I was younger not too long ago and I always felt that the "Christians" would give me a kind word. Now that I am a Christian I try hard to not come complacent and allow people to dwell in corners alone.

Hidden in a corner bare

There sit a child young and scared

Says to the world, "I don't care!"

But don't believe the things he aired

Cause when you look into his eyes

You can see through the simple disguise

And know in his heart of hearts it's a lie

But still he says it to deny

The fact that he still wants to cry

And hopes and prays that someone pry

So silently still he will stay

And hope that things will end okay

Only GOD can be the key

To help him to become free

But who is there to teach him how

When satan is constantly on the prowl

A kind word he's waiting for

Instead you just shut the door

So he sits and contemplates 

He takes it in, absorbs the hates

-VMH

Can you relate? How did you overcome it, or are you still there?

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The World and GOD

I've suffered a lot, not more than many, but a lot when compared to those I know personally. There is a tomorrow and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train! You may not believe it always, but it is true. 

The world is hate, the world is pain,

The world is filled with the taste of disdain,

But GOD is good all the time,

And that is why I write this rhyme.

Cause though the world can break you down,

Break your heart and slap you round.

There is a peace that can be had,

And even when the world is bad,

Christ is coming back you see,

And when he hung on that tree,

He took the sins from you and me.

Yesterday, today and forever,

To take our sins was his endeavor,

And when you choose to believe in him,

That is when your life does begin.

-V.M. Hernandez

Can you write a Haiku that conveys similar feelings?