My first sense of shame

I woke up that day the way I had the day before
Ready to face the day and race out of the door.
I went to all my classes and met all of my friends
I enjoyed the day; the beginning and the end,
But maybe not the end because of a new student.
He was taller than I and very far from prudent.
He looked at me and quickly, saw my jeans were just too short
Faded was the blue and holey too and I had no retort
He spoke some words and then he laughed,
My "friends" joined in and I was sad.
They all smiled, so I did too.
I didn't want them to see the hurt they did do.
Later that day, when I got home.
I went to my room to be alone.
I feigned being sick so they couldn't see;
The pain and sorrow my "friends" caused me.
Although I was "sick" I begged for my mom,
To take me out shopping, put new clothes on.
So out we two went, to acquire a new wardrobe.
Look different, better, it's what I did hope.
I wouldn't take anything, less than the best.
I wanted to look and dress better than the rest.
With tears in my eyes because of how I looked,
My honor, my pride, a few words took.

I had been ashamed many times before this, but It had never been because of how I looked. Mom would always tell me that I needed to bathe more, or match, or brush my hair, but I didn't care. I knew a lot of boys that didn't and at 12 It wasn't high on my priority list, but when I moved to Oak Cliff it was different. A year later a new person moved to the school and immediately pointed out all of my fabrical flaws. If I had been wise I could have said something like, "Don't judge a book by its cover." or perhaps say something like, "What about what Martin Luther King, Jr. said, 'I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.'" or I even could have asked him, "What ws wring with you?" and "Who had wronged you to make you so bitter?", but I didn't. Words failed me, and all I could think of is how stupid I looked and all of my so-called "friends" were laughing at me. My mom spent a couple hundred dollars, that I knew we didn't have, on me and I continued to be this way until I was much older. Every clothing choice I made from that point on were made based on that memory.

This came to mind because I was reading the book, "Stuff Christians Like" by Johnathan Acuff and it an essay about his daughter not wanting to look silly and he wondered when she was told how she would look. Then went on the quote in Genesis 3:11 just after Adam and Eve had failed GOD in the garden of Eden and ate the fruit from the tree of Knowledge. "Who told you, you were naked?" Johnathan then went on to say, "Who told you, you were naked? Who Told you that you weren't enough? and continued. I'll link it here http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/01/02/thinking-youre-naked-2/ so you can check it out. 

I began to tear up and this instance came to mind. it was a turning point in my life. For the worse or best I cannot say, but maybe it made me more shallow, perhaps. I than began to think about other firsts in my life and have decided to share those with you over time.

Have you ever been hurt from someone's first revealing that you weren't enough, good enough, fast enough, smart enough or strong enough? When did it happen for you? How did it make you feel?

Once lost

I fell a lot when I was younger, but the worst fall I ever had was falling from GOD. It wasn't even a fall it was more like a tumble into snow that kept building until I almost hit the bottom which was covered with jagged rocks. I'm so thankful I'm no longer in that place and that I'm no longer that person.

I played a game and I got bit

And most of me was lost

I found myself deep inside a pit

And there was an oh so high cost

Deep within the hole I dwell

Waiting for someone to find me

How long I waited in that hell

Please constantly I plea

But from that darkened land I did see

A light shining in the distance

And GOD when I was closer to He 

The lower my resistance

Higher now my head is raised

Because by his design

Jesus was slain and then was raised

And now he says, "He's mine!"

It took so much for me to admit I was wrong on almost all (if not all) levels. I hated being in that dark place.

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Fall apart

I've been broken and dashed and dragged along the ground. I've been beaten both verbally and physically and when it was said and done, I found peace from the once place that I had turned away from because "I could handle it on my own." As I got older, though, I found that I was way wrong and had to readjust my life and break new habits that I developed that were terrible.

I strongly believe that things fall apart
friendship, family and even your heart
but there is something mysterious and true
it'll keep you together like the strongest of glue
There is a big book that's where you start
and as soon as you pull some of those pages apart
You'll look and you'll find, something new
it's really quite old, but it's very new to you
It's called the bible and truth is its start
the more pages you turn the more you'll grow smart
For deep in those pages, are skies of blue
and flue for your heart and solace for you.

Have you ever turned away from GOD? I did, for 10 years I walked away and found myself more in pain and alone then I had ever before.