Stop, stupid!

     Will I ever stop being so dumb? I know the answers, and know what not to do, and yet I constantly peruse the incorrect actions. It's really annoying. I have always prided myself on my ability to use wisdom, but for some reason I don't take my own advice and wisdom doesn't elude me, not when I'm walking right past it as it tries to trip  me on the way out.

     I get disinterested, or get lazy or I allow myself to get sidetracked, and I always know what I shouldn't be doing, and yet, to quote Whitesnake - "Here I go again on my own". I have been in and out of the hospital this year 3 and all of them are because of me. I chose to ignore something, or chose to not go when I should have, or at least tell my wife about it.
   
     The first was because of an ulcer. I was worked up over some non-sense, and I'm sure my lack of water didn't help! Then, and infection that I was trying to ignore, and when I got an allergic reaction, I thought, "Hey, surely it is something else," even thought I didn't change any of my other habits. DUH! Come on Mike, you're smarter than this.

     Stop, stop, stop, STOP! Make better choices. You know what to do, and how to do it. Sometimes it's as simple as putting on a mask to not inhale something that may be toxic, or wearing jeans to not get poison ivy, or perhaps something more like, GO TO THE DOCTOR WHEN YOU FEEL SOMETHING IS WRONG! (sorry about yelling, but maybe it'll get through.) Don't let fear get to you, and do what you know you are supposed to do.

A loss

A friend of mine just lost her 12 year old daughter to a heart attack. I can't imagine the pain she is in, and pray I never will. It is one of those moments where you literally don't know what to say.

Time heals, and although it's true, saying such a thing while everything is still so raw only adds insult to injury.

I am usually such a talker, but I think I'm just going to shut my mouth and let my embrace do all the talking.

Confidence

When there is a hole, regardless of the size, water tries to fill it. Even if it means emptying the rest of the area to fill it, water gives it everything to accomplish its simple goal, fill the hole.

I find that confidence is the same way. If you lack confidence, then you try to go about by any means to get the void that it has left in you filled. Rather than allowing your confidences to grow through your accomplishments You look for praise, no, you thirst for it, and continually try to get noticed by being either in your face or nagging. Both can get annoying and often push people away, or, because you thirst so much, when you don't hear the words you want it causes you to sink. Don't try to force feed the hole, but instead let it do it on its own. You'll end up less hurt when you don't gets e praise you want.

How, then, do you get that confidence that you want, crave, and need? Be satisfied with your skills and limitations. Take a step back and tell yourself, "I love the way that came out." and just enjoy what you do. You aren't going to please everyone and not everyone will like what you like, but you're not alone.

Off the shelf?

Back and forth I constantly go with ideas, hopes and queries, but very few of them do I put so much time and effort into them. The majority don't get a day's worth of thoughts, some get a day, while still others get a few days, but rarely is the better part of a year given time, effort, and heart.

I "shelved" an idea that I had been working on for several months. I started it in January, and decided back in July that perhaps I wasn't ready to release it. I have always played TCGs (trading card games) and I have always played turn-based RPGs. These game types are among my favorite and they both hold places in my heart. I decided I wanted to make a TCG that was similar to a turn-based RPG, more-so than any that are out there currently. I've added some of my favorite mechanics to the game and the best art I can create (not that great mind you as I'm more of a writer than an artist). I really enjoyed making the game and I really enjoyed putting time into it and believed in it, but still I decided it wasn't near ready.

My "coming to reality" moment came from my Uncle, as I have stated in a previous post, and it really slammed me to the ground. I'm not that great and I don't have a place among the giants of the TCG industry.

Why not? This is something I've just decided to ask myself and I couldn't find a suitable answer. Sure the art isn't the greatest, although there are a few that I'm very proud of, and I really do enjoy the mechanics, even if no one else does, but why can't I at the very least try? I've run out of excuses. I have always said, "Excuses are like butts, everyone has them and they all stink," but did I ever really believe that? At the end of the excuses all I had was my goal, and a passion.

So, what's next? I'm taking it off the shelf and I'm pushing forward. I won't be paralyzed by "what ifs" and instead mobilized by "what are". I am over 80% complete, and I am working diligently on something that I am really passionate about. Even if I am 100% wrong, and will be 100% in love with my completed work, and you know what? That's good enough for me. I want to reach my excellence.

After the interview

New Boss: Why didn't you tell me you were related to him?

Me: if I got the job, I wanted it to be because I got the job, and not because of who I am related to.

Interviewer: I can respect that. Welcome aboard, if like to see how high you can climb.

That was the most memerable conversation I had with the former VP and her manager. I won't say any names, but I'll never forget their faces and tones at that time. 

I had been working at a restaurant chain and had become its GM, but I was betrayed! If you'd like to hear aboutthe  betrayal, ask, and I'll post it, it's a long story, but that's not what this post is about. I came to this company with high hopes and growing aspirations. I knew I could make it to a manager, a leader and I was willing to start at the bottom.

This is a small snippet of the next posts. My story of how a person from the bottom saw management and how it all changed. This is a story about leadership as viewed from the "bottom".

That's not fair...

I must admit, although I fight it, I still sometimes climb the entitlement ladder, and that frustrates me. I cannot deny that I sometimes feel like I deserve it and I often think, "I am good enough," or "strong enough," or "smart enough, why can I have or do that!?" And in outrage I feel myself fall into envy.

Why do I deserve it? As a Christian, I know that I deserve death and nothing, but because Christ died on the cross for our sins, I don't get what I deserve, but he instead took them upon himself. I ponder this and it alleviates mich if my self loathing and entitlement.

I go on and remember that no where in the bible does it say I will have a rich life full of everything I want, but instead it shows that there will be a constant struggle, see the Old Testament and Jesus' death. Struggle with what? Well, the world. 

I climb that ladder, but as I grip the rungs,   I know that I have more than I deserve and I am thankful for all I do have. It doesn't mean it isn't still a struggle every now and again, but it does mean that I can more easily overcome it.

But why would I not want to have this mindset? It's a poison. A poison that'll quell your enthusiasm and soggy your resolve. It'll cause you to only focus on yourself with "me, me, me, and I want, I want, I want, and now, now, now" and only kids cry, whine, and act like that, and I am an adult that should know how to delay those childish behaviors, wants, and desires. I have to grow up, and put this with other childish thinking, like blowing up.

I'm never gonna finish...

Constantly this has been bayin me, "You're never gonna finish." I hear it all the time. I was doing so well with my momentum, but when someone harshly criticizes you it really brings down the momentum. Right now I'm just above zero and it's really hurting my creativity. 

Generally, I can brush off most people's deconstructive criticism, but when it's a family member, and they see something you worked so hard on and laugh, it really kicks you down several knotches. It's been a couple of weeks, the same day my grandmother passed, and it's just eating at me. I really don't know how to shake it and I think that's what is ripping my goals apart. 

I'm not very good at art. When I released my first game, all the art was text, and placement. Not a big deal. The next 3 I'm currently working on require art and I am still working on bringing up my quality. I thought I was doing ok and was trucking along until I made the mistake, perhaps, of showing my uncle. He isn't that accomplished as an artist, but he's making a name for himself and has been featured in a few galleries. Now, I'm nearly paralyzed in my pursuit and can't even bring myself to work on anything. Not my books, not my games, and certainly not on art. 

Why is it eating me so? Why am I giving it so much power?