It's not that bad...

In my last post, I talked about how I was "taking time" for myself, but really I was just procrastinating, but what I didn't talk about was how it really made me feel. Not the post ER visit, but the time during the ER visit.

I have the terrible tendency to think worse of a situation. I have always done this to myself. Get called to the office in school, parents need to talk, teacher needs to talk, manager wants to have a word with me, all situations that were either good or mediocre, but because of my mind, I've blown them out of proportion.

I did this at the ER. I was having upper abdomen issues and I googled what could be wrong with me. Found several things that could have been the cause and found one that I thought would be ok to have and chose it. I started thinking and then my mind went back to my family history and it scared me senseless. I thought My dad had cancer and died at a young age, an uncle and grandmother all from my father's side, and they were all relatively young. Naturally, or unnaturally, my brain said, this too I must have and started to think the worse. I began crying and I was alone. My wife went home to tend to the kids, and I stayed in the ER alone and brooding.

Thankfully, it was my gallbladder and not cancer, but it got me thinking about my life and how I treat everything. I have always wanted to start a business and become an entrepreneur, but I have always have been debilitated by my fears and past. I allowed the doom and gloom of what? Failure? No, more!
I don't have cancer, and I'm out of excuses. In the worse case scenario with a business; I don't make a sell, and I have to start over. The best case scenario; I make more sales than I imagine and my dreams come to fruition. What do I have to lose? What do you have to lose?

Leaving the fear...

Finally, at last, the hinges rotate.

The anticipation is too much to take.

My palms are sweaty; heart is racing.

Before I go on, I notice I'm pacing.

For years I have longed to pass on through,

And yet here I am, unsure what to do.

Do I go in and continue? Do I stay and wait?

What is it truly; I anticipate?

Why do I see it there, before the door?

The fear it lingered there, I can't ignore.

The door is open and yet I pause.

I try to move forward, but can't find the cause.

Have I lost my way, or is it temporarily hidden?

Do I doubt so much that happiness is forbidden?

At long last I take a step, then quickly another.

I can't stop now; I fear I'll fall over.

I won't turn back and always wonder why.

I'm going through now, at least I can say, "I try."

I have always had opportunities, but I always allowed my chances to pass me by because I was to afraid to give it a go. I know I'd be a different person if I would have allowed myself to succeed. Am I alone, or does anyone else feel this way a lot of times?